Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

Courtesy of America's Finest news source

ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.
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Kyle Mortensen would gladly give his life to protect what he says is the Constitution's very clear stance against birth control.
"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."
According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.
"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."
"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."
According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."
Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."
"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.
Mortensen's passion for safeguarding the elaborate fantasy world in which his conception of the Constitution resides is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when angered. Still, some friends and family members remain critical.
"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."
Mortensen told reporters that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the Constitution to be. He acknowledged, however, that it might already be too late to win the battle.
"The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."
"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."

Absurdities in Genesis: Resurrection!

So, I'm trying to get back into the habit of updating again, so I think I'll start with some easy stuff.

This comic suffers from what I call desperate relevance, which is a problem that in my experience seems to be plagueing the Christian community, particularly those with the inerrantist view. Just look at them trying to conflate things like expiration dates with the mythical fruit in the garden. Sure, you may say they're jut trying to be cute or funny, but this isn't even clever. It is simply desperate. They have nothing relevant to say, so they slap a meaningless picture trying to make a joke, which barely gets a chuckle if that. Hell, even the Kid in the picture looks like he's rolling his eyes.

So, lo and behold it took me two seconds to come up with what I think is much funnier:

Mr Mabus Vs the telemarketers

Random, I know. For context see discussion here


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The Death of telemarketers at hand!
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Telemarketers don't even believe in *SALES*!!
Lacking completely *ANY GROUNDING* in economic theory!

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The Premium package is a Lie!
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This package has nothing wanted *BY CONSUMERS* simply being an upsell item boosting REVENUE without actually givng anything!

Saleseople, see the folly of the SHAKY GROUND you stand on. The *ECONOMY* of your method of business could come CRASHING DOWN at any moment...TODAY!

If I were as ugly as *JOHN MEYNARD KEYNES* I'd believe in active fiscal policy too.

The CONFLICT BETWEEN KEYNSIANISM AND MONETARISM destroys the very ethos of the telemarketing!

Holy Crap I've Been Busy

Sorry for the disappearance all, I've been crazy busy at work, I've been planning a wedding (which may get scrapped for purely financial reasons), and most of my internet time has been sucked up into the World of Warcrack.

All in all though, things are getting better, and calming down a bit, so I may actually post more often. Shock! Awe!

All in all though, its been fairly quiet on the religion front for my part. I've not seen much politically that has shocked me, and other people like Personal Failure and Ziztur seem to get to the good stories significantly faster than I find them. I'll find something. Might even get that book review done.

Once again, I am alive

Wow... its been way too long since I've updated this. The problem is, I usually update this when its slow at work, and it hasn't been slow for about 3 months. I do plan on getting back to the blog, I swear. It isn't a dead blog, and I am hoping I will get back to very regular updates. The only issue I'm running into right now is material. The subject of religion, irreligion, counter-religion, non-religion, has been pretty well covered by many people, so its often difficult to feel like one is bringing fresh material to the plate. As a result I'm considering doing some things more anecdotally, and going more into the history of religion. That is of course once i really get things moving here again.

Because of Real Life(tm) I haven't been able to do much in terms of research for quite some time, and its about time I dusted off my academia.

I'm Back

Well, apparently I really needed a break from the religion topic, because a couple weeks off has done me wonders of good. It really is an interesting thing, because no matter how important it is to keep fighting the ideas of religion and theocracy, sometimes we need to step away. This seems particularly evident when one is surrounded by it. As many of you know, I live in Texas, and as far as religious saturation that's about as deep immersed as you can be in the US outside of Salt Lake City.

More than anything I think I tried to put out too much content too quickly and became a bit obsessive for a while. Hopefully things will start to pick up, but we'll see. I am still planning on doing my reviews, there have just been some life setbacks that have kept me from really getting into a new book.

Absurdities in Genesis: Don't Look, Your Irony Meter Will Explode

You're not serious... really? I mean wtf people? That's right, once again its the vast scientific conspiracy where there's a virtual consensus of nearly 100% of all the people who know what they're talking about that fossils can be dated. No, creationists have it right, and are NEVER twisting the facts or ignoring information to make their idiotic holy book right, despite all the contrary evidence.

I really will never understand how they think the idea of a massive global conspiracy of scientists is supposed to work. I mean, a large percentage of these scientific conspirators are Christian. How do you reconcile that? Oh, wait. That's right, the no true Sc... errr, no true Christain argument, that's right.

But really, what's the point? Once, again, After Eden is never funny, and never really informative except as a reference on the insanity of the fundies.

Personal Health

At the beginning of this year I finally committed myself to getting healthier. I was, and am still significantly overweight, but since January I've actually managed to drop from about 289 lbs to 263. I realize this is completely unrelated to my blog's subject matter, but I'm actually rather proud of this fact, since meeting my first goal would be getting down to 260.